when i was just a little girl, i asked my mother, what will i be?

I hate to be someone who apologizes for not updating their blog, but I do regret not updating as much lately because I have lots to say! Lots of ~inspiration and ideas! All this energy is going into my room, which for about three years has looked like this. And that is probably the one and only trait I do not want to share with Leslie Knope.

"

Tee, gift from Sophomore. Soft cardigan with girl scout patch from Troop Moore on ebay. Miu Miu skirt. Random headband and tights. Backpack I've used since I was 4.

I took this picture a couple months ago, going for some Heathers/Twin Peaks vibes, but started thinking too much about how I look in it and avoided posting it for a while. I wasn't insecure, quite the opposite -- I didn't want to post this photo because I look good in it. And, as someone whose "thing" for so long has been "Challenge beauty standards! Screw convention! Look like a grandmother on ecstasy at Fashion Week!", that somehow felt hypocritical.

First, let's talk about beauty privilege real quick, just so we're all clear and so I don't sound like a jerk:

When I say good or pretty or attractive, I mean by the standards that dictate our society, which usually start with being thin and white. I'm not saying I always like how I look, and you may look at the picture above and be like "what are you talking about you resemble an opossum," but through the very narrow lens of mainstream media, pop culture, etc., I possess some beauty privilege.

People who are conventionally attractive have the privilege of going through life knowing their appearance will usually not act as a barrier in accomplishing what they want to accomplish. Of course, this is a general statement, but typically, Pretty Woman does not have to worry about missing out on opportunities because of her appearance. (Pretty Woman also gets Richard Gere.) So when some people have to live with being judged based on appearance as well as or instead of merit, it would be really annoying for someone who doesn't have to worry about that as much to try to say she deals with the same thing. It's not bragging to acknowledge your own privilege, and pointing out that you meet certain society-dictated standards does not have to mean you agree with them. I strongly recommend this article for a better understanding of beauty privilege.

(Educational tone over.)

The general voice of my blog has been very much against the idea of those (or, in a way, any) standards for a long time, maybe not in so many words, but definitely in sprit. I once relished in an email I got saying I was an ugly boy because it felt like proof that I hadn't given in to societal pressure to be pretty that girls usually feel affected by. I got all self reflecty on Tumblr about creating my own ideas of beauty. I wrote simply during September's No Makeup Week that I never felt the urge to wear any. I used to dress much more frumpily and goofily, on here and in public real life. Which was great, and I loved it. But, as is the point of this blog, my style has changed a bit.

I would be lying to say it ends at simply wanting to try a different aesthetic of dressing, though. With one's freshman year of high school comes a new batch of insecurities and a new kind of self-awareness. Except...I would be lying to say it ends there, too, because I know I'm smarter than that, and I know I have a good bullshit filter when it comes to conformity pressure in high school and women's magazines and men's magazines and industries that thrive on their female demographics' insecurities.

Before I got contacts in March, I just never really counted myself in the general pool of people who might be considered attractive. I wasn't insecure about how I looked, I just made peace with the fact that I wasn't, to me, an attractive person, and decided to milk my charming personality instead. The glasses were an easy way to isolate myself from even having to consider keeping up some kind of face. Then I slowly came to feel that, well, maybe I did want my face to be visible. Maybe I liked my face. Is that not okay?

"To force some forever identity on other people is stupid. Point out inconsistencies in their behavior, explain how they are not 'truly what they say' because you saw them 'do this' one time...why? Because it's easier to deal with cardboard cutouts than real people." -Kathleen Hanna

She has a point! And while confining people into caricatures is extremely convenient, it can just be a way to simplify issues that are fairly complicated into something black and white. In an ideal world, I could be a 15 year old girl with a certain amount of public attention and crushes at school who wouldn't want all these things. Right now, I could pretend to be an archetype of a feminist superhero and say I never want to be a conventionally attractive person. But, while I have so much respect for the people who can say that truthfully, I'm not there yet. I think it would be, in my case, much more effective to be honest and willing to have this conversation instead of signing myself to a stereotype I can't fit. I admit to the basic human desire to be attractive. That's certainly not all I want to be, and I'm not bending over backwards every morning for it, but it's there.

I don't know if I'm trying to justify this to readers of this blog or to myself. I do know I'm uncomfortable pretending, on a blog that is, on a certain level, about appearance, and my personal ~journey~ with it, that I can keep up with a set of principles developed when I was younger and different and 12 years old. But I mentioned earlier my bullshit filter, and I think it's that awareness that makes it easy for me to know that my new almost-daily makeup routine and glassesslessness and etc. are for myself and no one else.

But even if I have my own reasons for doing so, I still can't help but feel a little uneasy about playing their game.

bluer than velvet was the night

I really hate wanting it to be school in the beginning of summer ("But Tavi, it's almost July!" "SHUT UP NO IT'S NOT I KNOW HOW TO READ AN iCALENDAR") but the suburban high school vibes in Autumn de Wilde's new video for Noah and the Whale are so good! Contrasty blue and red and white and cheerleaders and saddle shoes (Audrey Horne) and knee highs. I know you're supposed to hate high school but to me it's just what you make it and if I can pretend I'm in this or the Virgin Suicides or Freaks and Geeks or something I'LL TAKE IT. (Full disclosure: I have been graced with the good humor and friendliness of Autumn many a time, but if I didn't like the video, I wouldn't post it! So there.)

I picked up on some Blue Velvet vibes.

Then I got some other vibes.

Like Twin Peaks, only less green and brown, so really only the stuff that takes place in the school.

And the Virgin Suicides if it was a little colder, and this cell phone picture from Mobile Art.

SOURCES UNKNOWN! Who are these mystery witchy girls? Can I be their best friends? Would they hate me for posting their pictures on a fashion blog?

Edit: Mystery Witchy Girl #1 (on the left) has spoken! Her name is Heather Lynn and she conveniently linked me to a Facebook album of even more pictures of her as a child and teenager, because there is nothing unshadier than nurturing obsessions with strangers on the internet when they were children. Thank you, Heather Lynn!

Rinko Kawauchi.

Edie Campbell for Tank Magazine.

Chopped Cheerleader by Sarah Small.

And now, for a turn to pastels and ironic internet aesthetics, TEEN WITCH (you love it already) is a magazine started by Zain Curtis for teenagers I'm really excited about and want people to know about because it needs backers and I think it's a really important project. Mister Curtis's tumblr should tell you enough.

TEEN WITCH is a magazine that puts BOP and J-14 through a kaleidoscope, aiming to honor and give praise to the gay and trans youth underground scene. Essentially art-based, TEEN WITCH is inspired by sub-cultures, the Internet, Nickelodeon magazine and childhood nostalgia.

How exciting! If you pledge a little, not only will it be able to bloom and blossom like your favorite Disney stars struggling with coming to terms with their sexuality while in the public eye, but you may get yourself some treats named after said Disney stars! That was a sloppy sentence, so go look at the page for the chart of packages you'll get in exchange for whatever pledge and you'll understand. Go look at the page period! They've already reached their pledge goal but mo money can sometimes be helpful and nice. No matter what Biggie says.

let's do the time warp again and again please

The other night I went to my first midnight shadow performance of Rocky Horror Picture Show, which was also my first time ever seeing the movie (I don't know how I considered myself a human being before either), and I can say with confidence that I've never seen so many thigh highs in my life. Also, Tim Curry's legs! Why is he not on the cover of every women's magazine with tips on improving your stems ever?

I only started taking pictures at the end so sorry for spoilers but YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT BY NOW ANYWAY even if I hadn't til Saturday night.

Emotion!

Gusto!

Pizzaz!

It was a good fun time, with lots of elbow sex.

And lots of TP-ing of my friend who made the mistake of falling asleep. Then the assholes behind me who stole my prop bag and claimed they "found" it (IN MY HANDS, PERHAPS?) (ok I left it on my seat but still) had the nerve to photobomb this picture. Then I wrote about them on the internet and felt better about myself! Ha-ha!

Also, the photobombing thieves should have had to clean up after everyone, since they like those prop bags so much.

Also, my friends looked rad, and I was like, man, we could totally be a really stylin gang right about now.

Since I'd never seen it before I didn't try a costume, but everyone thought I was dressed up anyway. Like that time my school didn't let anyone wear Halloween costumes but I did anyway because I'm a rebel. and got away with it because everyone thought it was simply one of my outfits because I'm just so QUIRKY!

I went for creepy Virgin Mary/Virgin Suicides vibes because I'm //edgy and because I'm obsessed with this crown Petra gave me in a CROWN EXCHANGE, which I think should become a national event or traveling van or something:

Ain't it a beauty! My eyeliner is Urban Decay and everything else is thrifted. QUIRKY!

rebel.

~independent spirit~

*down 2 earth*

Speaking of cultural stereotypes used in teen magazines to tell girls which eyeshadow to wear, you know that thing I'm doing with Jane? If no, here. If yes, it is happening, I'm just not about to go gabbing about it all the time because then you get trapped in these ideas you said long before the bigger idea gets to become a reality and we don't want that. If "yes, I even submitted and wrote you a great email and sent some stuff I'd worked hard on," I would like to extend a long overdue thank you.

We (me, Jane, and one of our editors, so it doesn't sound all vague and creepy and like we're in some giant headquarters skyscraper somewhere) learned a lot going through those, and I feel extremely lucky we get to hear so directly from the audience what they want to see in this. I should've clarified from the beginning -- this was me expecting everyone to read my mind -- that the submission call was for regular contributors. So without sounding too much like I'm under the delusion that you're all waiting outside the door to our headquarters skyscraper with unbearable anticipation, whenever we want a different point of view on this thing or an artist to feature who does that thing, we still get to look into that plethora of 2000 emails. This also makes me feel very lucky.

Also, sorry it took so long. There were so many! Actually looking at them > saying no without thinking enough just to give a quick response. Also, man you all know how to write heartfelt letters. Is there a way I can be a penpal as like, a job?

Last thing I learned and feel lucky about -- we might end up with the coolest audience ever. Thank you again. It's incredibly life-affirming to know people care about this and want this to happen and want it to be good. We do too! I'm excited for you all to see.

And while we're on all this talk, I guest wrote something over at Jane's site, xoJane. OK, fine, I wrote all those paragraphs just now only so I could promote myself and link you to that post. You got me! It's like that time you got me for wanting to self-promote my foot. If you don't know what I'm talking about you should probably read the post I wrote before you can get in on the joke.