April 1, 2009

a confession

Dear readers,
I am writing to you today to let you know about a secret I have been hiding for very long. This "Tavi" you all speak of, she does not exist. Tragic but true, the REAL one behind this blog, and many others, is I...Tomas!
I use the word "tragic" lightly. This may be a disappointment to you, but it is another kind of ment for me- an accomplishment. You see, my whole life I have dreamed of creating an empire. An empire in which I am in complete control. And now I have finally created such, and I have never been happier (other than when I was with Lou Reed in '74 and he let me, the 10 year old, in his house. It was a very nice place, an alright neighborhood. No place to raise children but Lou and I spoke about how worthless children are anyways. Which is why this blog is such a joke! Oh, it makes me laugh. You know, "Tavi" is just a name I came up with when I was smashing one of my worker's heads to my keyboard when he fixed my iced tea incorrectly.)
Let me tell you a little about myself. I was born 1964 in some forgotten place I do not want to speak of and grew up in a very enclosed world. The government built a giant round wall around me because they could tell I was a troublemaker from the moment I banged my brother's head on a rock for fixing my iced tea incorrectly. But this wall did not last long you see, for I soon moved to the United States as a teeny boy and began learning about technology. For a moment I considered being like one of those boys in that Newsies film, but it didn't feel "me." Cheap orphans did not feel "me." Intellectual and smart did, of course.
I realized all the things that could come out of technology and I got prepared. I knew what blogs were before anyone else did, but I kept it to myself. I waited for someone to invent them so I would already know how to be ahead with them.
Look, I am pleased with myself!
You see, all these articles written about how bloggers are the new ballkeepers, or whatever you crazy sane people call it, should spell it out for you. Bloggers have the power because they are considered "average" and easier to "relate to." So, what did I do? I created many blogs about "average" people, supposedly written by "average" people, that are read by "average" people. Each one is under a different identity but now all of them are at the peak of the blogworld.

I also got 184 Topshop NYC Opening press packages at my doorstep (and if you'd like to make an offer for them just drop me an email: tomas at ze-empire dot em.)
So, I have fooled each and every one of you. The tights you bought, the magazine you purchased-ALL UNDER MY COMMAND. All these bloggers this fictional and entirely photoshopped "Tavi" seems to be friends with are made up too. Of course I am Belle, why would she and Tavi compliment each other all the time otherwise? I am also Yokoo and have lots of tiny old women I smuggled past Immigration that knit all these scarves. Ms. White Lightning is made up too! I am Kanye West as well, and that is why I wrote about her on the Kanye Universe blog. Kanye is probably the one of my characters I can identify most with- we are both very humble, as I'm sure you've noticed. But Kanye is a whole other empire I am trying to build (it is about people that try to help the recession by changing their name) so let us ignore that, hmm?
I am all of the other bloggers you see in that sidebar as well, and I love every one of them. Which really just means, I love myself! Becaue, I mean, I DO have a moustache. And who doesn't love a moustache?
Anyway, I think that even if you are mad at me for creating these fictional human beings, you can learn to love me too! The real me. Tomas. Tomas "Tinkle" Louffer (I was an awful bedwetter as a child, but Lou and his friends got me some pills or something like that. I have a very vague memory of it, I just remember waking up on a floor with a microphone in my mouth and lots of redheaded men in Kansai Yamamoto bodysuits standing over me).
So, this is me. Tomas! This is my real closet. It smells like the genius I am.
Very nice and Emporer-like, yes?
This is where I am when I work from home, though I am usually at this huge big block with a tarp over it in the middle of a vacant lot:
Well, that is all. I hope you all can learn to love Tomas and his moustache, and not just my tiny puppets in my sidebar.
Have a lovely night, best friends!
All my love,
Tomas Louffer