April 1, 2009

a confession

Dear readers,
I am writing to you today to let you know about a secret I have been hiding for very long. This "Tavi" you all speak of, she does not exist. Tragic but true, the REAL one behind this blog, and many others, is I...Tomas!
I use the word "tragic" lightly. This may be a disappointment to you, but it is another kind of ment for me- an accomplishment. You see, my whole life I have dreamed of creating an empire. An empire in which I am in complete control. And now I have finally created such, and I have never been happier (other than when I was with Lou Reed in '74 and he let me, the 10 year old, in his house. It was a very nice place, an alright neighborhood. No place to raise children but Lou and I spoke about how worthless children are anyways. Which is why this blog is such a joke! Oh, it makes me laugh. You know, "Tavi" is just a name I came up with when I was smashing one of my worker's heads to my keyboard when he fixed my iced tea incorrectly.)
Let me tell you a little about myself. I was born 1964 in some forgotten place I do not want to speak of and grew up in a very enclosed world. The government built a giant round wall around me because they could tell I was a troublemaker from the moment I banged my brother's head on a rock for fixing my iced tea incorrectly. But this wall did not last long you see, for I soon moved to the United States as a teeny boy and began learning about technology. For a moment I considered being like one of those boys in that Newsies film, but it didn't feel "me." Cheap orphans did not feel "me." Intellectual and smart did, of course.
I realized all the things that could come out of technology and I got prepared. I knew what blogs were before anyone else did, but I kept it to myself. I waited for someone to invent them so I would already know how to be ahead with them.
Look, I am pleased with myself!
You see, all these articles written about how bloggers are the new ballkeepers, or whatever you crazy sane people call it, should spell it out for you. Bloggers have the power because they are considered "average" and easier to "relate to." So, what did I do? I created many blogs about "average" people, supposedly written by "average" people, that are read by "average" people. Each one is under a different identity but now all of them are at the peak of the blogworld.

I also got 184 Topshop NYC Opening press packages at my doorstep (and if you'd like to make an offer for them just drop me an email: tomas at ze-empire dot em.)
So, I have fooled each and every one of you. The tights you bought, the magazine you purchased-ALL UNDER MY COMMAND. All these bloggers this fictional and entirely photoshopped "Tavi" seems to be friends with are made up too. Of course I am Belle, why would she and Tavi compliment each other all the time otherwise? I am also Yokoo and have lots of tiny old women I smuggled past Immigration that knit all these scarves. Ms. White Lightning is made up too! I am Kanye West as well, and that is why I wrote about her on the Kanye Universe blog. Kanye is probably the one of my characters I can identify most with- we are both very humble, as I'm sure you've noticed. But Kanye is a whole other empire I am trying to build (it is about people that try to help the recession by changing their name) so let us ignore that, hmm?
I am all of the other bloggers you see in that sidebar as well, and I love every one of them. Which really just means, I love myself! Becaue, I mean, I DO have a moustache. And who doesn't love a moustache?
Anyway, I think that even if you are mad at me for creating these fictional human beings, you can learn to love me too! The real me. Tomas. Tomas "Tinkle" Louffer (I was an awful bedwetter as a child, but Lou and his friends got me some pills or something like that. I have a very vague memory of it, I just remember waking up on a floor with a microphone in my mouth and lots of redheaded men in Kansai Yamamoto bodysuits standing over me).
So, this is me. Tomas! This is my real closet. It smells like the genius I am.
Very nice and Emporer-like, yes?
This is where I am when I work from home, though I am usually at this huge big block with a tarp over it in the middle of a vacant lot:
Well, that is all. I hope you all can learn to love Tomas and his moustache, and not just my tiny puppets in my sidebar.
Have a lovely night, best friends!
All my love,
Tomas Louffer

85 comments:

Emy Augustus said...

nice mustache.

hazel said...

I KNEW IT
YOU WERE REALLY A MIDDLE AGED MAN IN DISGUISE

that mustache is quite epic.
QUITE.

Jillian said...

you look like a rapper!

tavi from the block!

Claire said...

lol. I agree, the mustache is incredibly epic. I think tomas would like an accent on the a in his name. It just seems fitting.

Sarah McNeil said...

awesome

Sondra said...

Gah, I knew it all along! xD

soovintage said...

happy april fools day too TAVI.

love michelle

Nice and Shiny said...

I knew it.
It was all too good to be true

<3<3<3
H-A-F

KEREN said...

Oh, happy April fool's to you too. This was quite the entertaining post. :)

emilie said...

aw so lovely :3 that closet is so kind looking.

this reminds me of Karl Lagerfeld's Guide to Life especially the bits about the iced tea and that "hmmm?"

the golden fairy princess said...

hahaha i forgot today was april fools day, though i didn't quite believe you. "fixing my iced tea incorrectly" haha you so funny, tomas.

Clarissa said...

perv, so this is how you attract all of the ladies!

suzette said...

oh dear tomas.
seems like your mustache needs some work.

this would have been so much more convincing if you hadn't posted a video of yourself yesterday. :] you're hysterical.

Leah said...

I KNEW IT.

lol this was awesome tavi.

The Weekness said...

Perhaps my favorite post of all time. ;)

eclecticgirl said...

lol i love the part about 'tavi' being completely photoshopped! you kind of scared me there though!

corrie said...

Tomas, you have a crustache! Emperors need big, bushy, 70s 'staches.

Utah Savage said...

I'm an old woman. Now what was it you did with all the old women?

I don't give a crap who you are, the site is gorgeous. Write on, Tavi.

Isabel said...

Tomas, bring back our beloved Tavi!!! Okay, April Fools taken. :)

I love that quote "Look, I am pleased with myself." It made me giggle.

bobb said...

lol very well done Tavi:)

Matias Bouhet said...

ok tomas-tavi, or any thing that you are, but you are awesome!

--

Chloe said...

Tomas, I must say you are a brilliant man. Thankyou for admitting who you finally are!
Chloe

Becky said...

pure fucking genius, Tavi- I mean, Tomas! The irony is that for the first two weeks i read style rookie, I was SURE that it was fashion satire written by some fashion industry veteran trying to play a ruse on the whole fashionblogosphere.

Shelby said...

You're so cute.


c: and genius.

Daphne said...

genius.

laia. said...

hahhha tavz, you rule!

Maverick said...

I lol'd :P

Chester said...

Lovely. :)
I like how you thought it out so completly.

Shelley Noble said...

Tomas, I knew it all along. You must feel cleansed after coming clean and reliving yourself of the burdensome epic disguise! Viva l'Intelléctual!

rachel said...

keep the moustache. it is epic.

Claudia said...

haha nice mustache

rachel said...

and now i see that 'epic' is quite the popular word in describing the moustache.

means its true :)

Cosmia said...

LOL
i'm impressed

Britte said...

HHAA
I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT!

you are WAYY to smart for a 12 year old girl.
of course, you must be a middle-aged creeper bent on world domination.
does that mean you run my blog too?
AND I DONT EVEN KNOW IT??
Oh Tomas, you are diabolical.
and foreign looking.

pinknapoleon.blogspot.com

kelse said...

MUSTACHES DO IT FOR ME.

Crystal Natsuko said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Crystal Natsuko said...

I love you more the more you fool me, Tomas! Build your empire, build my lovely ;) (Sorry, had to fix that last comment, I'm a recovering perfectionist you see)

Cassiopeia said...

hehe great post! loving the moustache and the reference to the topshop nyc opening ;-D

xxxc

http://clothestohealabrokenheart.blogspot.com/

Putri Erdisa said...

dear... you are pretty handsome! :D

daniglamour said...

12 year old girl or mustache laden man i still think youre cool lol.

J.Yo said...

so you ARE a guy in disguise! i'm shocked, tavi, thomas, whoever!! lols.

love you as always. cool post~

Curly Girl said...

"It smells like the genius I am" - hahahaha!!!
Too funny
xxx

http://thelittlecurlygirl.blogspot.com

proudly says, said...

lol!
i love you, Tavi!
you're so cute!

renwore said...

good one! your facial hair was win :D

Lauren said...

Oh, I cannot even begin to tell you how those first two photos made me laugh.

Libby said...

Thomas, you are almighty and powerful. Pray for us lowly commoners.
http://colorbylibby.blogspot.com/

Devery said...

I

ADORE

THIS

This made my WEEK.

Alicia said...

LOL. I love that first photo. haha

Isabela Lennon said...

Funny post!

Girl (or man... I don't know...), your blog is amazing!!

I saw it in a brazilian tv show, and...

I loved!

:)

(sorry my horrible english, you know, I only can talk in portuguese :P)

By the way, I added you in the Flickr, okay??

:)

Winnie said...

Someone else mentioned Lagerfeld...my thoughts exactly. The moustache is very becoming!

jennine said...

this is almost as good as bjork joining led zeppelin...

tomas the moustachio'd what an emporor

Ashford said...

fake tavi, mmm?

warren said...

All of this was quite a lot of fun, but this:

This is my real closet. It smells like the genius I am.

Gold. Just pure gold.

Geraldine said...

u're a cute little chicken :o)

Géraldine

Niki said...

what a fun, well-thought out april fools day joke! totes awesome!

Bellinda said...

"You know, 'Tavi' is just a name I came up with when I was smashing one of my worker's heads to my keyboard when he fixed my iced tea incorrectly."

This made me cackle maniacally. Much like Tomas, I imagine. Fabulous.

Lucy said...

OH Tavi you are too too funny!!!

AAggghh. So so funny! I love this post :) You write so well.

I think Anna Wintour better watch her back... You're hot on her tail!

xxx

missypixie said...

A fellow moustache lover - Dali would be proud ;)

Sharon H. said...

almost believed it..your good tavi

nc6 said...

i really like ur spunky flair tavi...its very something...

Isabelle said...

I knew it all along! It's okay. I will still love you if you give me your mustache o.0 *menocreeper*

Anastassia Chepelkevitch said...

TOMAS, I am exposing you and the URL on which you admitted your true identity on to my FACEBOOK PROFILE. Prepare for world domination...

kristy said...

this is so funny and clever.

Bella said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
HK said...

After discovering your blog, spending about 3 hours in one sitting reading it, and doing some research online about you (creepy yes ) I was absolutely appalled to see critics suggest that perhaps there was some source other than yourself behind Style Rookie. In my opinion, this is a result of intimidation.

I am happy and not the least bit surprised to see you handle this criticism so well. This post is absolutely genius. Hey, but if there really were a Tomas behind this blog, wouldn’t he want to post something like this so we'd think its actually Tavi making fun of her critics;that’s what they’ll be saying next.

Keep inspiring, keep intimidating and most importantly keep enjoying life. : )

Sincerely,

Mia Salituro

Laura said...

hahahhaa omg i love this

Thee said...

Haha. This made me lol. internally. That's not really a lol is it?
Nevermind.
This made me loti [laugh on the inside]

Love your blog, Tomas! ^__^

Sheik-Chan said...

Rofl....xD

Ivy said...

I want to be like you when I grow up.....and I'm 26....
I just recently found your blog and I am loving it!!!!!!! Congratulations and good luck!!!

Kaya said...

thomas is a very nice person ;D

chetnies said...

brilliant. love your blog.

Megan said...

I read this and LOL'd. My mum looked over my shoulder and was like. "Is that your boyfriend?" O___O

I don't think my mum is right in the head. Lol. :L

autumn aubrey said...

i was sitting in a starbucks with my macbook when i read this. i simply couldn't stop laughing;and there were people everywhere. an elderly lady even came up to me and asked if "...everything was okay, dearie...". they probably all thought i was a bit tipsy. i've never been given the "oh my" look before,but it was so worth it.

Victoria T. said...

I could not stop laughing. Great job, Tomas!

Danielle said...

!! so good !!

jaanakite said...

u have a great work here! i admire your work really!!! great posts!

Oliwia said...

That was great! Tavi you are hilarious! LOL! LOL! LOL!

Home of Pie said...

Ok I realize this post is SO OLD and I am SO BEHIND the times but whatever. I laughed SO HARD reading it that I had to say thank you for helping me procrastinate yet again.

Jale said...

tihi, you are so funny, i love you btw. the mustache is geniously. like everything you do.;D

Soleil said...

oh my god, you are sooooooooooo funnny tavi! i might sound like a bitch but believe me I'm not. kk jk. but seriously i am not a bitch. heheahahhaaa
just came here to say -soooo fuunny
-soooo lovely

bye!

ana cous cous said...

this was absolutely HILARIOUS

Meliz Catrall said...

Interesting mustache!

rolf778 said...

lmfao

HUGO said...

wow

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