January 5, 2010

i can really relate to this

Want to hear a little story? I think you do.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Ivat. And she ordered a book on Amazon. Oh, and she was very pretty and BFFs with Sofia Coppola and was very pretty and owned lots and lots of dalmatian mice.

So Ivat, who was also very cool, and humble, ordered a book from Amazon dot com. It was called Juergen Teller for Marc Jacobs 1998-2009. And she wanted it because Juergen is of her top 3 favorite photographers ever-him, Nick Knight, and Tim Walker. Maybe Juergen is even in the Top 2, but I, the neutral ominous storyteller, won't say who then gets the boot.
Oh, and because Marc Jacobs is one of her favorite designers, and the ads are always sick, and she has them taped to her school folders and made a little booklet of them. She also tore out every Juergen editorial he did for W in 2007 and 2008 and stapled them together, too. And even has a couple of his pictures on her wall.

It was the month of August when Ivat decided she would order the book. AH, THE DAYS OF SUMMER. They were filled with sights, smells and sounds that could be easily described using analogies commonly found in Kathy Bates movies, or movies about racial barriers crumbling down in the great name of football, or both! Words like "honey," "rooster," and "sweet summer day" intermingled with one another in the mind of Ivat, who enjoyed this month immensely. Times were simple, except for when she had to give a big long speech to her parents as to why The Book was worth 76 dollars that she would pay herself.

Luckily, her parents understood. Ivat happily and excitedly ordered the book, and it was only supposed to take 5-6 business days to arrive at her Juergen Teller for Marc Jacobs 1998-2009-less home.

Summer ended, and disaster struck: school! Ivat could no longer sleep in, or spend all day watching Ruth Gordon films, or have Ruth Gordon films on while she slept all day so as to test her theory on if it would do weird stuff to her unconscious brain and somehow make her more cool/suddenly a sunflower. Algebra equations and old scientists with beards and long names took over her day, but she hurriedly walked home every day in the hopes of finding a nice cardboard box with a thoughtful smiley-arrow printed on the sides.

The box never came, though. The pain was excruciating and Ivat grew worried. She took long walks on rainy nights, and wallowed in the sadness she could see in raindrops catching the light of a streetlamp. One night she came across a man sitting on a bench; an elderly fellow, wearing a suit.

"Hi," she said. "What's your name?"
"Norman," the man replied, looking away from Ivat and down the road.
"Are you waiting for a bus?"
"Yes."
"I hate to tell you this, but they cancelled this busline two years ago. There are no more buses on this street."
"You don't know what you're talking about."

Wait, wrong story.
Oh, but if I could continue that one for just a sec for fantasyland purposes-then Ivat was allowed to dye her hair and was also best friends with Scarlet Johansson.

ANYWAY, yes, Ivat would walk alone at night, agonizing over whether or not the book would make it. It had been far more than 5-6 business days.

A few weeks later, an email popped up in her inbox, saying the book would come in November. It was a shame it had to be so late, but she was happy to be receiving it at all.

Suddenly, it was December. Snow was on the ground, and Ivat's hands made the habit of stealing cookies whenever they found themselves in the kitchen. They were not, unfortunately, in the habit of flipping through glossy pages with photographs of the faces of Victoria Beckham and Winona Ryder being lightened up by the possesion of a beautiful man's designs and by another beautiful man's camera flash.

"It'll be there in January," another email said. Fine, fine, as long as it gets here, Ivat thought, sighing as she hung ornaments on a tree.

Eventually, it was January. The fifth, actually. And that morning, another email came:
"Due to a lack of availability from our suppliers, we will not be able to obtain the following item(s) from your order."

And then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. Why? Because after six months-definitely not SIX DAYS- the book didn't come. In half a year, Ivat could've found another copy, and would have been willing to pay full price for it from a Marc Jacobs store, too, despite her general cheapness/laziness. However, it took six months for Amazon to realize it had none left. And by the time the last email came, the email which shattered hopes, and dreams, and even killed a few people, the only copy one could buy online cost at least 350 dollars.

The fifth of January was already bad. Ivat spent 20 minutes lying in bed the night before, contemplating whether or not to get up and pee, and ended up falling asleep with her glasses on, and couldn't find them in the morning. And was blind the whole day. She also chewed an Advil as opposed to swallowing it, because she is used to the chewable Tylonel that tastes like orange (the chewed Advil tasted like bad pasta.) So that also made her day bad. And, perhaps worst of all, Ivat had that "Party in the USA" song stuck in her head THE WHOLE DAMN DAY. Yes, THAT song. Yes, the one Miley Cyrus pole-danced to at some awards show, and OH THE SCANDAL! because it is definitely a well-known fact that pop stars have always been reliable as role models.

But you know what is probably more of a scandal? THAT THE BOOK DIDN'T COME. AND THAT IT TOOK AMAZON HALF A YEAR TO REACH THAT CONCLUSION. I COULD HIKE TO THE REAL AMAZON IN THAT TIME.

We spoke to Ivat for this story and she told us she plans on spending her money she's getting back on lots of consolation chocolate and shoes. "I'm very disappointed," said Ivat, "my daughters look up to Miley Cyrus-oh wait, you mean about the book? Sonny, don't get me started."

221 comments:

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SweetLuna said...

I feel your pain!! I found a book on Amazon and waited around the same amount of time and received the said 3 emails you are talking about. Although in the 3rd email they had the odasity to ask if I still wanted to wait....um NO! So the cute little childhood book of remembrance is still not in my hands. Oh Dori, the little witch...I miss you!!!

K.F. said...

Oh man. I feel your pain - not that I could afford the book (though I pine for it regardless) - but must say, this is some hilarious writing. Makes me feel inferior, but happy.

Julia said...

Hello from Holland! Yesterday evening you were on TV here in Holland :)so i came to take a look here and spend some great time on your great blog You famous girl, you've made it in fashion they said and on first row with Anne Wintour. Go girl and all the best from Julia

PORTAFOLIO said...

Yeah me too actually. I dont know why it reminded me of Ann Demeulemeester hahaha

OMG!
look look

http://portafoliomagazine.blogspot.com/2010/02/mens-ann-demeulemeester-fall-2010.html

PORTAFOLIO said...

Oh yeah! And I had missed you! :)

Kim said...

hahahaha! this made me laugh. poor "ivat" :)

Cherie said...

That darn Marc Jacobs! (even though he has really adorable designs... still.)

Is it sad that I just figured out Ivat is Tavi backwards? Because um. I just did.

erin said...

tavi, i absolutely adore you. i wish i was a designer so i could shower you with heaps of duds but alas i am just a mere blogging mortal like you. ;) please NEV-ER stop writing ... and shining ... and being generally fabulous. you kind've make my day.
xo

S said...

Oh, I feel your pain. Only mine is a 2nd copy of Marilyn Minter's last book, which I planned to turn into framed prints as I cannot begin to afford her actual prints.

Of course, now *I* want the Marc Jacobs book.

besos, tavi.

shannon

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Kristian said...

dear Tavi,
I read this post because I had absolutely nothing else to do. Or, not true actually. I am reading Miss Smillas Sense of Snow, and it is DULL AS. So here we are.

I loved your story, and thought the Ivat thing was very subtle and clever. Further more, you have an incredible way with words. NO SHIT.

Also, I decided to comment on this post in particular because all of your other ones have like 400000 comments. This one sadly only has 6, and they are about meat processing equipment and something else surely enlightening in a far east language. To conclude: the post looked lonely, and I am feeling generous.

On an unrelated note:
1. you are probably one of the coolest girls in the world. thanks for sharing you with the rest of us.
2. i am very sad Marc Jacobs didn't get married

hey y'all!

crosswalkmuse said...

i'm pretty sure we would be best friends in real life.....

congrats on success man....and sry bout the book :(

i <3 me some juergen tambien

R said...

Great story. I hope you eventually find your book.

Kali Venable said...

I know what its like to wait by the mail box for something that wasn't coming! Great story though hope you one day get the book!

www.shearchicwearableart.blogspot.com

Chérie said...

oh my gosh, the same thing happened to me! I originally saw the book in the Marc Jacobs store, and then I worked and saved up until finally I was able to buy it and I ordered it. Well, after about 3 months (not as long as you, luckily) they said it wasn't avalible. Really, I don't know what's so difficult about this book but it's kind of a terrible coincedince.

Madison said...

Tavi, that's so sad that the book never came- I had the same problem with this one site who didn't send my package *containing something vague that I shan't idenify to keep the universe in balance* for a long time, and I never really got all of my money back 'cause I had a 'friend' who had a paypal account order it for me. They lived a convenient distance away from me, so my losses were not so easily recovered. Haha. So sad. Anyways, I love Ghost World, too, really wanted that hat Enid bought!

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