cause this is a disaster!

So upon watching Lady Gaga's new video for "Telephone" and thinking "WHO MAKES 10-MINUTE LONG MUSIC VIDEOS" as well as "VIRGIN MOBILE WAS THE POOR MAN'S RAZR WHEN I WAS IN 5TH GRADE" I decided it would be fun to do an ongoing series of posts in which ideas for more of Gaga's videos are created. Because it's fun, that's why!

So, concept #1.
This one is for the song Telephone, still. Only, unlike driving around in Quentin Tarantino's pick up and killing a bunch of people in a diner and then singing about it while wearing American flag-printed bandannas people tie around their dog's neck on the 4th of July, it will actually be about a telephone! Lady Gaga and Beyonce are 50's housewives who work as phone sex operators at night. I mean, I know that they say "stop calling" about a million times, so it doesn't QUITE make sense, but it is still somewhat RELATED to a telephone (at least more than being really excited about making a sandwich) but in some interview later on Gaga can make up some shit about its "hidden meaning" or whatever and it'll be all good.

So we begin. It's a beautiful sunny day. We are looking, bird's eye view, at a nice little 50's suburban neighborhood. You can't really tell what it is at first - a grid, perhaps? - but we zoom in and enter the door of one of the identical houses, going through a hallway, zipping past posed family photos on the walls (but the camera goes too fast for us to get a clear view,) a dining room with a shiny table and fancy china, and finally arrive at the living room. It is the back of a couch, the back of a man's head visible, and in front of him is a television set with a baseball game on, and we pan to see that behind him - or, next to us, "us" being the camera's point of view - is Lady Gaga.
She's put together. She's pretty. She is almost unrecognizable. Her hair is back, she is wearing this look from Prada Resort 2008:and her makeup is pretty. She's pretty. She's almost as indistinguishable as those pictures of her from her Stefani days in college, or that part in Bad Romance where she is wearing very little makeup and you're like "WHOA IS THAT YOU?" and then she starts crying and you're like "CALM DOWN THERE, BUD (CORT)" and then you're like "I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN IT DON'T SET THAT BED ON FIRE IT'S A VERY NICE BED."
Anyway, she's REALLY PRETTY. And it's weird. And, for once in pop music, pretty is scary. Because she isn't herself, because her expression reads like so: SAD, and because she is staring on at her baseball husband while singing things like "I can't hear a thing" and "you're breaking up on me" and he doesn't hear her and also it is creepy.
So since the dude is so entranced by the magical men with the magical gloves and bats and that magical ball that makes people GO CRAZY, Gaga is all "lol f this sh" and leaves. It's not a spur-of-the-moment thing; you get the idea that this is routine for her. Maybe she glances at a watch or something. So then she goes into the "KA KINDA BIZAYY" lines of the song and throws on her Viktor & Rolf Fall 2008 "NO!" coat:and walks out of the house. It is now nighttime. And she is bopping along down the road, passing nice little 50's suburban house after nice little 50's suburban house, and goes right into one. We again see that this isn't the first time since she tells it apart from all the other identical homes right away.

She enters, and - what have we here? Why, this appears to be a Phone Sex Operating Headquarters! With many other 50's housewives working as Phone Sex Operators! NOW we recognize Gaga! She takes off her coat. Her dress she had on is no longer there because of a little something I like to call MAGIC, and in its place is some skimpy little number designed by Haus of Gaga, and she takes her seat, and joins in on the phone sex operating, and she and her fellow ladies are having fun. And Beyonce is there, too, but it is TOO MUCH WORK to do the outfits and everything for her as well as the Ga, and while she is much classier than the Ga, she is also not as fun as the Ga, and I sort of have THINGS TO DO, BRAHS, so we will not go over all her stuff.

Well, anyway, you get the point. The song is basically a whole back and forth between her at home cleaning or dusting or serving her husband TV dinners or something and then being a phone sex operator with her pals and dancing her pants off. Well, more off than they were before. And I know she is a fan of killing people in her videos - be it by arson, poison, or sandwich poison - and she can do that too, if she wants. Not via a TV dinner because she's done enough killing by way of food, so maybe with Windex or something.

TIME FOR OUTFITS AND PRETTY THINGS YAYYYY
As far as color schemes go, muted pastels in the neighborhood and in the house, definitely, but things will change in the headquarters because...well, because I had a color scheme, but then the outfits I wanted to do didn't work, so DEAL WITH IT. Initially I thought red and black and white but that makes it seem so SCANDALOUS, so then I chose red and yellow and blue because they're just fun, and now it'll vary outfit to outfit because I have slaved and slaved on style.com and Photo Filtre working on this post for DAYS choosing the right outfits. Does my social life suffer, you ask? Ha ha! Not to worry, my Sims family was nearby!

Outfit time!

THE EXPLICITLY-STATING-SOMETHING-SEXUAL-WHILE-STARING-DEADPAN-AT-THE-CAMERA-NONCHALANTLY, SHOWING IRONY

Beige Celine SS10 top and belt, Prada SS00 skirt and AW10 glasses, Marc Jacobs SS08 inverted heels (tilt your head to the left,) and Miu Miu SS10 naked people collar. Basically this is just my dream outfit and I thought it would be fun to include? THAT'S ALL I GOT, KIDS

THE SEXY DANCETIMES LOOK

Okay, you have to imagine the Dolce & Gabbana AW10 look on the left, but with the embellishments that Carey Mulligan's Oscars dress by Prada had. The mini utensils and tools of all kinds are dollhouse-like, which adds to the creepy feel of the neighborhood and Gaga's house in the opening scene. The toy-like quality brought these Balenciaga AW07 heels to mind. Gaga can make up some shit about objectifying people or using them as toys or tools or something later on.

THE TALKING-ABOUT-OUR-FEELINGS LOOK

Any combination of pink, floral, and gingham would be too sugary for Gaga but this Christopher Kane SS10 dress is really perverse creepy good. With the Comme des Garcons AW09 makeup veil stuff, the sequined kiss and kind of face-clouding situation - SOMEONE SAY MY NAME? Ahem, anyway, that..idea, is sort of interesting when you think about her getting all emotional! and whatnot.

THE MORE SEXY DANCETIMES LOOK

Gaga really likes her headpieces and her boobs, so: Marc Jacobs SS10 clothes, Giles AW10 headpiece, Givenchy SS10 shoes.

THE WALKING-WITH-MINIONS-FOLLOWING-BEHIND LOOK

The pastels of the neighborhood are made more interesting and fun and sexual with the
Versace SS10 dress and shoes. The glitter and plasticness of this Marc Jacobs AW10 coat are kind of toy-like and artificial and represent a sort of cheap luxury, yet there's something really special about it, which somehow suits the video in a way that isn't necessarily conceptual but works in terms of the mood. This Hussein Chalayan SS10 hat is just all DON'T LOOK AT ME and Gaga and et cetera.

Now, since I really only wanted to do the outfits and didn't develop the story too far, I would love to hear any ideas for an ending from you guys. I would like it to end with this outfit- the glasses and dress are very 50's in silhouette but then are made of tough material or have spiders crawling on them, which is a nice contrast and very suiting to the video concept. The Trunchbull witchy laceup boots in a green color just works, okay?

Giles SS10 dress, Alexander Wang SS10 sunglasses, Miu Miu RST10 boots.

Also, can we take a moment to appreciate the AWARD-WINNING job I did with this last photo? The proportions - especially the nonexistent arms - are so professional-looking!
Well that's that. Happy Passover.